Memories of Another Life
by astheblackrosewilts
Summary: The device had obviously been some kind of a transporter, albeit a bit more sophisticated than he’d originally anticipated… McShep, Alternate reality… kinda Minor spoilers for M


**Summary** – The device had obviously been some kind of a transporter, albeit a bit more sophisticated than he'd originally anticipated… McShep 

**Rating** – PG-13

**Disclaimer** – I don't own them, I don't own anything

**Scenes From Another Life**

After the flash his eyes fluttered open cautiously and he blinked, then blinked again as he took in his surroundings.

Wraith Hiveship, oh shit. The device had obviously been some kind of a transporter and… forget the device he was dead. In fact, why _wasn't_ he dead already?

Then John's face appeared, reassuring and familiar. "You're gonna be okay, we're here to get you out. The Daedalus is waiting and we're gonna be beamed out any second." John mumbled something into his radio. Out of the corner of his eye Rodney could see Teyla, gun raised, watching the corridor cautiously. Then confirmation came from the ship.

Rodney saw the beam start but he was unconscious before it had finished.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Rodney McKay slowly began to wake up, revelling in staying in that place between being asleep and being awake for as long as was physically possible. The smell made it clear that he was in the Infirmary and he had absolutely no desire to find out why he was in this time.

Eventually though, other sensations began to make themselves known, the fact that he could hear the ocean outside for a start… Hang on a minute, that wasn't the ocean.

That was the shower.

But the infirmary didn't have a shower, except in the private rooms and what could possibly have happened that would warrent a private room?

But he didn't even feel particularly injured, a bit stiff yes but nothing that could have resulted in this type of treatment.

Curiously he sat up and it was at this point that Rodney McKay panicked.

His body felt wrong, his arms were shorter than he remembered and… he looked down abruptly and gave a high pitched scream.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Inside the bathroom John Sheppard heard the scream and paled. Grabbing a pistol from the back of the door, he'd always known that his paranoia would come in handy one day, he lurched back into the bedroom, waving the gun around frantically.

Not seeing any immediate danger he relaxed slightly or at least made it look like he did and turned to look into shocked and horrified blue eyes.

"What was it? What's wrong? Are you alright?"

The open mouth flapped for a few seconds before the blue eyes rolled up and the figure crumpled.

John froze for a split second and then scrabbled at the table behind him, snatching for his headset without looking away from the figure on the bed, there was no need to yell for Carson though the physician was barrelling through the door even as John moved forwards cautiously to check on his lover.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

"Easy. Steady on, luv, you're alright." Rodney McKay came awake with a gasp, looking into the worried faces of Carson Beckett and John Sheppard.

The first of which had just called him 'love'.

He tried to glare fiercely, wondering why exactly he was here in the first place and then the memories hit him. Waking up, the shower, looking down, John and then…

"Okay," he croaked, "I just want to make sure you know that in no way did I faint back there. Now, I want Radek and Miko and that device I was playing with yesterday.

John's face was tight. "Miko?"

Rodney stared at him. "At least trust me to know what my own people would be best at Colonel. I know this isn't her usual area but… what?"

Carson and John were exchanging worried glances. "Luv," Carson whispered gently, "Miko was killed in the siege of the city. Do you remember that?"

Rodney's mouth flapped as he began to register the words and his eyes rolled up again.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

"I thought you told me that she was alright!" John was shouting, that was nothing new.

"Aye, I thought she would be."

"So why then-"

"I don't _know,_ Colonel."

John's voice dropped. Rodney recognised the tone instantly, it was John's 'this is all my fault please punish and feel sorry for me accordingly' voice.

"It was my fault, I shouldn't have left the room. I shouldn't have left her on her own but she was sleeping and I thought that it would be okay. I was only in the shower for five minutes, probably less."

"It wasn't your fault, Colonel."

Rodney coughed as the significance of John's words hit him. John had been in his shower and John was referring to the other person in the room as 'she'. The other person in the room had been him

Then the previous conversation came back to him, for now there were more pressing concerns to deal with.

"She can't be dead, I was talking to her yesterday."

They both spun, obviously startled that he was awake, "No-"

"Yes!" Rodney shouted the words furiously and John reeled back slightly. "Do you think I'd just _forget_ if she was dead? I was talking to her yesterday! Now, I have a problem. My name is Rodney McKay and yesterday I was male. I was experimenting with an Ancient device and then there was a flash and I woke up here. In this body."

"_What_," John hissed suddenly, "did they do to her?"

"Colonel…"

"What did they do to her, Carson?"

"I don't know, John!" Carson bellowed. "I wish to God I did because maybe then I could start to fix it."

"What?" Rodney knew he sounded fearful but there was clearly something happening here that he hadn't anticipated.

They exchanged glances again and John sat down heavily on the edge of his bed. Rodney watched him warily.

"You were taken by the Wraith," John explained carefully. "When we found you last night you seemed fine but then you collapsed on the beam up to the Daedalus. You wouldn't wake up." He closed his eyes and pressed his lips together sharply before continuing. "Carson said you probably just needed rest and overall that there was nothing particularly wrong with you. I stayed and looked after you. I thought it would be all right if I took a shower. Then you screamed…"

Rodney shook his head violently and then regretted it, the facts coming together all too unpleasantly in his mind. It looked like the device had been a transporter after all, albeit slight more sophisticated than he'd originally been thinking of.

"Oh no, no, no, no. I know what you're thinking and it's no, okay? This is not a result of whatever torture I- _she _went through. My name is Rodney McKay, I touched an ancient device and woke up here."

"Meredith, luv."

Rodney turned pale, a deep pink flush touching his cheeks as he clenched his fists, he really should have expected that. "My name is not Meredith, it's Rodney and," he broke off, eyes wide at the knock at the door.

Carson, shooting troubled glances at Rodney as he did so, walked over to answer it. "Aye, lad?"

"Hi," a familiar voice spoke quickly. "I heard she'd woken up, I came to see if everything was okay."

Carson shook his head but it was Rodney who spoke first. "Ford?"

The smiling face poked around the doorway. "Heya, Doc. How are you feeling?" Rodney shook his head and Ford's face dropped. "What? What is it?"

Rodney looked bewildered. "What are you doing here? Where's Ronon?"

Carson's headset beeped and, after a significant glance at the two soldiers, he hurried out of the room.

Ford seemed to take that as his cue to enter, he dropped gracelessly into the chair by the bed.

"Who's Ronon?"

"He's a runner. We found him when we were looking for you."

Ford's eyebrows arched. "What happened to me?"

"The enzyme…" Rodney trailed off as he looked into the completely normal, totally worried eyes. "You got hooked on the Wraith enzyme."

"No I didn't." Ford's face creased in concern. "Colonel?"

John shook his head. "Ford." He took the man's arm and led him away a few meters. A hushed conference later and Ford was staring at him, obviously trying to place something. Suddenly his face cleared.

"Wasn't Ronon the name of the leader on the planet she was taken from?"

John looked stunned for a second and then he smiled slightly. "I knew the name was familiar."

Rodney's mouth opened and he sagged. "But I remember him. I _remember_ him. He was tall with dreadlocks and a beard and… and he had a gun you tried for a week to steal so I could back engineer it…"

He trailed off. John and Ford were both nodding at him. "I remember him."

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

John's eyes closed against the painful expression of complete confusion on her face. She looked totally lost.

Ford glanced between the two of them and then patted him on the arm. "I'd better be going, I've got a shift in five." Under his breath he muttered, "I'll call Teyla. There was a problem with Charin and she's on the mainland but she'll want to know." John nodded to him curtly and Ford left.

Blue eyes that he'd spent more hours staring into than he could count were watching him. "Why won't you believe me?"

He said nothing, just shook his head. Her hands flailed. "We live in another galaxy, Colonel! We fight life-sucking aliens as a day job! The Ancients had mirrors that could send you to other realities. What, _exactly_, is it about this that is so impossible?"

"John," he corrected gently, he'd been hoping that the previous 'Colonel's' had been mistakes. "You call me 'John', remember?"

Bewilderment stood out on her face, stark and he realised that she truly didn't. "I mean," he continued, "we're living together, you could at least call me John."

"We… what…?"

He eyed her suddenly, surprised. "What was our relationship like… in your reality?" He coughed.

"Relationship? What _relationship_? You were male and I was male. _Am_ male that causes all sorts of problems to begin with when you think about the fact that neither of us are gay and then there was the tiny little detail that you'd stopped talking to me except for mission and you didn't trust me anymore and-"

"So in this reality, Ford was gone and I didn't trust you anymore? Do you think that it's possible they made you think that just to try and break you, to make you give in?"

He had been expecting a response from that at least but she just shook her head. "Could you send Radek in, please?"

Recognising the dismissal John nodded and left the room, forcing himself not to turn around to look at her.

Radek was already walking down the corridor, presumably he'd been alerted by Carson or Ford.

"How is she?" the scientist asked anxiously, drawing level beside John.

John waved a hand and Radek eyed the door warily before going inside.

He watched the door shut behind the Czech and flopped into a chair in the corridor, no way was he going any further away than this.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

"Why would they send me back with a different memory?" That was the next argument Rodney tried as John appeared in the infirmary doorway with a tray form the kitchens.

The pilot set the tray down on Rodney's lap and slumped down into the chair beside the bed. Leaning back he laced his fingers together. "They didn't send you, we came and got you and who knows what they did to your mind."

Rodney ran a hand through his hair, flinching when it didn't stop where he was expecting it to.

The involuntary shudder nearly knocked over the glass on the tray but he pretended not to notice as John rescued it quietly.

"You honestly think I could create an entire reality?" he demanded. "You honestly think that I would randomly choose to rewrite the last year and a half of my life on a _whim_?"

John was watching him steadily. "For a start it wasn't exactly a whim, it was a result of the Wraith and secondly… to be honest, I think it makes sense. You were completely devastated when Miko died so you create a universe where she survived. You got captured on Ronon's planet so you generate a world where you saved him."

"That doesn't explain-"

"_And_," John stressed. "You've told me that you'd always wondered what would have happened if you'd been born a boy. Your parents told you so often that they'd wanted a girl…"

Well that was certainly true, as evidenced by his truly spectacular name.

"Well you can tell her when you see her that they treated me like crap," Rodney hissed. "I'm sure she'll be delighted to have her question answered. But you cannot honestly believe that I am creative enough to…"

Rodney broke off as John laughed. "You are the most intelligent, creative-" Rodney snorted, John continued, "brilliant person I have ever met. That's why I love you."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "I've told you already, I'm not-" But John was shaking his head.

"I know you better than I know anyone and you aren't acting any differently… Other than thinking you're in the wrong reality of course."

Rodney lowered his eyes and John pulled a laptop from under the bed, pressing a few buttons. "Look…"

Rodney stared at the screen, at the woman who was delivering a blistering rant to some marines in the lab. "She sounds exactly like me," he mumbled. Then he shook his head firmly. "Of course she sounds like me, she is me!"

John let the clip, filched from the security footage, finish and nodded his head. He hadn't really expected it to be that easy. "Kate wants to see you."

Rodney pulled a face and John laughed. One more thing that hadn't changed.

"I don't want to see her."

"You never want to see her." John stood up. "I'll see you at home later. There's nothing physically wrong with you so Carson's gonna let you out, even if he doesn't completely understand how you're so fine physically so quickly."

Rodney must have looked panic stricken because John's expression grew fixed and he gave a forced chuckle. "There'll be an extra bed in, I would have been looking after you anyway."

John swayed slightly towards him before he straightened sharply and walked out of the room without looking back.

Rodney was halfway through explaining his theory of the device to Kate in between ranting about the unfairness of people refusing to even listen to his story before he realised that John had been going to drop a kiss on his head.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Arriving back at the quarters Rodney had locked himself in the bathroom for a while. No one in the infirmary had thought to get him a mirror and he had to admit he'd been a bit apprehensive about asking for one. Now though he examined his reflection.

Belatedly, he realised he'd thought he was going to look like his sister but his hair was brown and still cut fairly short in a style similar to Samantha Carter's. He certainly looked fitter than his male body had been and a vague recollection of stick fighting indicated that Teyla might be responsible for that.

Overall his body was… nice. Not incredible slender or with large breasts or incredibly attractive. Nothing like the women the John in his reality had gone for.

They had all been supermodel beautiful. Like Chaya.

Apparently though, John _had_ gone for him and they'd been dating for a long time. Nearly a year if the information he'd pulled out of Zelenka was accurate.

But John had said he wasn't acting any differently from what he remembered and John loved him for it… Did that mean-?

Abruptly he squashed that thought, not quite able to deal with it now and walked back out into the bedroom.

He had no idea what he was going to say but it didn't matter because the second he appeared John produced an, obviously bootlegged, copy of _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ and held it up wordlessly.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

The sound of screaming in his radio was so normal that Rodney was on his feet and pulling on a pair of trousers before he even realised where he was and what was happening.

The sound of John on the radio behind him made him jump as he pulled a t-shirt over his head.

John's expression as they approached the door asked if he was alright and the one Rodney sent him back was one of exasperated disgust. Apparently John was used to them though because he just smiled and they headed off down the corridor in unison.

The problem was quickly identified, it was stopping it that was causing them trouble.

Radek was already at work on one of the overloading generators and Rodney had started work on the next one without so much as a glance at the Czech.

But there was something wrong. Frowning, Rodney shot out a hand, intending to grope for a tool behind him but he didn't have to, it was placed in his palm instantly.

Confused, he shot a look at the man next to him. Radek was still immersed in the generator next to his.

"Thank you." He was surprised into politeness by his unknown helper.

"No problem," John's voice responded and Rodney stiffened for a moment before he stopped thinking and allowed instincts to take over.

Half an hour later and the city was still there, the emergency over.

As he wearily staggered to his feet a marine saluted him cheerily. "Good to have you back, ma'am."

And Rodney opened his mouth to say something then closed it and simply waved a hand at him tiredly. Apparently the marine hadn't been expecting anything else because he simply grinned at the person who'd saved his life more times than he probably even knew about and carried on walking.

John was watching him curiously though, Rodney had hoped that he'd missed it.

"If I'm right then people might panic," he replied to the unspoken question defensively when they'd walked to the transporter.

John just looked at him. "_If_ you're right?"

Rodney flinched. He hadn't actually realised what he'd said then he tilted his chin stubbornly. "It's my job to consider the impossible."

John nodded, not pushing. "Should we go home?"

Rodney led the way, deep in thought, not even realising until he arrived at their door that he'd known all the right and lefts to make without even glancing at John.

Determinedly he decided not to examine that too carefully either.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

He was woken up by John the next morning as the pilot eased his way into their quarters with a breakfast tray similar to the one he'd brought yesterday.

Still slightly surprised by the care John was showing he took the tray tentatively and then pushed it away violently.

"What the _hell?_" Are you trying to kill me?" John looked stunned by the shout.

"What?"

"What in God's name possessed you to give me orange juice? Deathly allergic here!"

John just looked confused. "No you're not."

"I think I should know."

"Okay." John had a placating expression on his face obviously trying to counter the panic-stricken one on Rodney's. "How about I take the orange juice away?"

He nodded quickly and John took the glass, taking it into the bathroom and dropping the entire lot, glass and all, into the disposal unit in there.

"Sorry about that… but you're not allergic, you have orange juice every morning."

"Maybe _this_ body isn't allergic but _I am_."

John held up his hands. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry."

Feeling slightly guilty for what had possibly been a slight over reaction, he certainly wouldn't have panicked if John had put a knife on the tray after all Rodney offered an olive branch.

"So do you do this every morning?"

It was possible that question was a bit vague and could possible even translate to 'try and kill me every morning' but John didn't even pretend to not understand.

"Every morning that you're in bed when I wake up. It's not often, you have a ridiculously erratic sleep schedule."

"She has an ridiculously erratic sleep schedule," Rodney corrected automatically even as he marked another check in the similarities column.

"Okay," John agreed. He did nothing but agree, it was beginning to get a bit annoying.

"So, can I go back to work? I think last night proved that I'm capable and if I want to find this device before the next crisis I'm going to have to hurry."

John shook his head. "Just rest for now, okay? I'll get you a laptop and access to the city and mission reports so you can get caught up. Carson wants to see you later and after that… we'll see."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Didn't that vampire get enough blood yesterday?"

John chuckled. "He said something about scanning your current brain wave readings or patterns or something and comparing it to the ones you… _she_ had during her last scan."

Later Rodney didn't need Carson to tell him that his brainwaves were exactly the same as they had been before his capture, his life was never that easy. Though he did have to wonder at a society that had a compulsory scan once a fortnight.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

The next morning there was no orange juice though Rodney examined everything on the tray suspiciously.

Then John sat down on the edge of the bed and Rodney steeled himself inwardly for bad news.

"Elizabeth called the SGC," John began, awkwardly playing with his dogtags, a habit Rodney recognised from his own universe. "They think it would be a good time to have a break back on Earth."

"So that's how it is?" Rodney's attempt to jump out of bed was thwarted by the tray of food on his lap. "Once I lose it it's better to ship me off out of the way? How the hell am I supposed to look for this device if I'm not in Atlantis?" He paled suddenly. "That's the plan, isn't it? Send me away and don't let me come back. Colonel-"

"Mer- Rodney!" John broke in hurriedly. "They're all worried about you. I'd be coming too and it would only be for a few weeks. We can both have a rest and you can talk to Sam about this device. She's dying to see you again anyway. After that we can do whatever you want. You said you wanted to go to Italy, maybe we could go then."

"I didn't." Rodney shook his head.

John frowned. "You don't want to go to Italy."

"No," Rodney ground out. "I want to go but I'm pretty sure I never told you that."

John just smiled ruefully at him.

"What if something happens in the city?" Rodney tried. "Say the Wraith come back."

John smirked. "Oh I don't think the Wraith will be coming back for a long time."

"What?" Rodney's gaze focussed at that. If- _when_ he got home he was pretty sure that information on how to take out the Wraith would be extremely beneficial.

"The defense satellites," John reminded. "The ones you and Peter got set up. With that, the shield and the weapon's chair they'd be mad to try and come back so soon."

"Peter?" Rodney whispered. "He's alive?"

John's face showed understanding suddenly. "Oh."

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

One month later they were back in Atlantis. Back to reality, as John had quipped, Rodney had hit him. But despite the fact that he was obviously fine they were still hesitating about letting him go back to work.

"Carson." Rodney watched him seriously. "We both know that this city doesn't function without me so I'll ask again. Can I go back to work now?"

Carson closed his eyes. "As much as I want to say yes, you're not right yet."

Rodney shrugged. "And? It doesn't matter who I think I am Carson. What matters is that I understand this city better than anyone."

"Aye I know." Carson looked reluctant but he knew when to push and when not to. "But if you have any problems you come and see me, alright?"

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

John was waiting for him the next night when he came back from the labs, on time thanks to the very vivid descriptions by John and Carson of what they would do if they found out he was overexerting himself. (He'd never admit it but it was quite nice, if a bit patronising, having people so worried about him. No one had ever seemed to care about him like this back home.)

The pilot smiled at him as he walked into the room as Rodney found himself wondering (again) what John actually did around this place.

"How did it go?"

Rodney thought back over the day. He'd gone in prepared to have a staff softened by not being shouted at but instead most jumped to do whatever he said. Some had rolled their eyes, Zelenka had shouted back, some had patted him on the back just like they'd done before when he'd survived something horrific. All in all it had been…

"No different," he admitted reluctantly. "Exactly how I remembered the lab. In my reality," he added hurriedly.

John just looked at him.

Then a call came over John's radio and after a few seconds of hurried conversation the soldier was on his way out of the door.

Rodney waited a respectful couple of seconds before he launched towards the chest of drawers. For all intents and purposes this woman was him and that meant that there had to be some good coffee around here somewhere for emergencies.

If this wasn't an emergency then he didn't know what was.

Not even he thought he was telling the truth anymore.

The second he realised he was looking in drawers with men's clothes in them, which were therefore probably John's, was the same second that his fingers encountered a small box.

He tugged it out and opened it curiously, nearly dropping it when he saw the ring inside.

"I was going to ask on Thursday." John's voice was near silent and he was standing in the doorway when Rodney spun guiltily. "It's our anniversary, you see." He chuckled bitterly. "I guess that's off now though."

"I'm not her," Rodney whispered quietly. "I know you think I am but I'm not."

John ran a hand through his hair. "Look, Meredith-"

"My name," Rodney murmured, "isn't Meredith. I'm _sorry,_ John, but that's the way it is."

"Please." John looked somewhere close to a breakdown. "You've got to remember, please!"

For the first time it really hit him that John had, for all intents and purposes, lost the woman he loved. Somehow he'd known but managed not to think about in the midst of how supportive John was being. Even if the pilot didn't believe him.

His eyes landed on a photograph of the two of them and he pointed at it, maybe talking would help.

"When was this taken?"

"Just after Chaya visited," John answered softly.

Something in Rodney's expression must have been off because John turned hopeful eyes on him. "You remember?"

Rodney shook his head, almost unwilling to break that expression. "I'm sorry, John."

John smiled defeatedly. "Well, it was just after Chaya. Mer was so jealous." He grinned. "She never actually admitted it but it was obvious. I think there was probably something she sensed to be off about her as well but mainly…"

Rodney's expression grew slightly fixed as he thought about his own reaction to meeting Chaya.

"We met her in my universe too," he blurted out.

John eyed him. "I take it you didn't get together afterwards though?"

Rodney shook his head wordlessly.

"She asked me out actually." John had his eyes closed now, maybe it was easier to talk about his life with the woman he loved when the woman in question wasn't standing in front of him. "She made me look at my own actions too. The amount of times I'd pointed out someone who was interested in her to see how she'd react. God, she was oblivious."

Rodney thought about Allina and decided that this conversation was getting entirely too personal for comfort

"So." Rodney eyed him pointedly. "If I'm so like her and you love her and you trust her then why won't you trust me to know what I'm talking about and to go and look for it."

John's eyes were steady. "Because you already searched the database for any mention and couldn't find it and if you can't find it then I'm willing to bet no one can. Because it's dangerous to just wander round the city and because if you're right then you're not her so I have no reason to trust you."

Rodney threw up his hands in frustration and disgust. "You can't have it both ways," he snarled.

"Neither can you," came the matter of fact reply and with that John pulled off his jacket and trousers, dropped onto his bed and turned off the light.

Groaning in frustration Rodney flopped back onto his bed and lay, eyes wide, staring at the ceiling, avoiding looking at the picture of the two of them by the bedside.

He'd been listening to John's gentle snores for about an hour before he realised he'd never gotten any coffee.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Maybe the conversation had unsettled him more than he was willing to admit because he work up screaming.

John was next to him with the light on in a flash.

"Are you okay?"

He'd shaken his head, unable to speak.

_God_, she'd been.

"Miko," he gasped out eventually. "The Wraith, they... God! She…" He broke off and John wrapped his arms around him, horror clear on his face.

He made gentle shushing noises as Rodney calmed down and slowly got his breathing back under control.

As Miko's skeletal and crumbling face remained burned into his eyelids he felt vaguely guilty for thinking about how nice it felt to be held by the pilot.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Eventually he just stopped talking about it, he kept looking but Carson was still worried and after a few weeks when he hadn't mentioned it once everyone who knew started to relax.

John was the only one who knew that he still thought of himself as a man. They'd accepted there was some disorientation and memory loss but overall…

Not even Elizabeth knew, but that had been a given since she wasn't willing to let him offworld until he was better

He'd been surprised by how much he'd wanted to go back out into the field, especially with this new body but now he was actually a lot more confident offworld.

The training he'd done with Teyla once he'd woken up had initially been to burn off frustration, he'd discovered the value of that in his own universe. But this was easier, this body moved where he wanted it too. Or it did once he'd stopped thinking about it anyway.

Teyla had always told him to push himself until he was reacting and not thinking, how his mind could be his biggest weakness when it came to fighting and now he could understand why.

Sometimes when he'd fight he could even hear snatches of her saying words he was pretty sure he'd never heard her say. Sometimes he could hear Ford and John too.

He'd panicked until he'd realised they were snatches of memory and then he'd panicked even more, mainly about the fact that he wasn't panicking nearly as much as he should have been.

Memories of this life were coming back and memories of himself as 'Doctor Rodney McKay' were fading fast, gaining the hazy quality of a dream after you've first woken up.

The pictures on the walls in his and John's quarters now had attachments.

A photo of the two of them on the wall, arms wrapped around each other and obviously fighting not to laugh now came with a memory of Elizabeth glaring at them playfully and shouting that if they couldn't stand still they could take their own damn photo.

Half-heartedly he'd thought about the possible reasons for that. How it could be, _must_ _be_ a failsafe of the device so if someone ever found themselves in a situation like his they could acclimatise themselves.

He couldn't even convince himself.

Radek had asked him why such a device would have been invented. He hadn't had an answer, other than there seemed to be no reason for a lot of the things the Ancients built. Perhaps it had been a solution to Entropic Cascade Failure but something about that just seemed…

Maybe they'd been right all along, he'd seen before what the Wraith could do to people's minds.

Most horrifying of all though was the knowledge that his device, if it really existed, had been broken. The crystal had been fried and the circuitry shot, he'd been taking it away when it had activated.

He didn't want to even begin to think about what might have happened if only one of the devices was working…

But now people calling him 'Meredith' wasn't even weird anymore and he didn't feel the fear like he had when he was younger. But he'd realised that a long time after he'd started pretending that he'd accepted his previous life was a lie.

When he had finally accepted it though he'd thought he hadn't changed but something must have come through though because the next morning, for the first time since the first morning, there was orange juice with his breakfast.

He drank it and John had just beamed.

He couldn't remember anyone being that happy because of something he'd done in his entire life.

That was the same day that John had tried to kiss him, in the labs later that morning.

The orange juice had tasted odd. Sweet and bitter at the same time with a hint of something tentative that probably came from him. That was the same way John's kiss tasted.

Rodney had frozen and then, very calmly, walked to the room he and John still shared though they kept different beds and freaked out.

Did that mean he was gay? Did it count as gay if he had a woman's body?

But that was obviously it, it must have been her body's fault.

He was man enough to realise that John was attractive but he wasn't quite ready to look too closely at whether or not he found John sexually desirable.

He'd been worried John would be weird and he'd been late to the debriefing because he'd spent at least fifteen minutes walking around in an empty corridor outside Elizabeth's office stepping forwards and then turning back and walking away.

Eventually he'd bitten the bullet and walked in whereupon John had grinned at him and handed him a cup of coffee.

After the briefing though he'd asked him something. He'd asked him to stop waiting to wake up where he'd used to be. Said that he'd understand if Rodney didn't want him now but had asked him to please stop living his life as though he was going to go home.

He'd said it wasn't anyway for anyone to live, especially someone as full of life as Rodney.

The next time John had kissed him he hadn't pulled away.

Nothing happened that night other than making out with someone like he hadn't since he was a teenager. The sensation of John's body, so much bigger than his, was so alien and yet familiar and after that something had changed.

Rodney had asked him why he'd waited for someone who might never have come around and John had just looked at him like he was an idiot.

"Because I love you," he'd answered. "Even when you didn't know who you were that never changed. _You_ never changed."

"Why?" He must have sounded genuinely confused because John had looked stunned for a second before he'd smiled indulgently.

"Because you're amazing. You don't take any crap from people, you make me laugh, I enjoy being with you all the time, even when we're arguing. Especially when we're arguing, actually."

Rodney had shaken his head. "But…"

"Hey." John had tilted his chin so he was staring into his eyes. "I love you, no matter what you look like. If the other me didn't work that out he was a fool."

Despite his words though Rodney knew that John didn't believe him. But he was the only one to still call him Rodney.

After that night Rodney had told him he could stop. John had brushed his hair back and answered that he didn't want to.

"It's a part of who you are, I don't want to forget that and I don't want you to either."

Rodney thought it might be a little contradictory but it had become a sort of pet name really and he didn't mind that much.

And overall nothing really changed

Because, when you thought about it, John had always touched him. It was strange really. Perhaps it was his mind's compensation for a relationship in a world where it wasn't possible…

He was actually surprised by how easily the transition between male and female had been. Most of the time his body seemed to be running on instinct and he'd dealt with things like PMS and periods and bras without even thinking about it. As long as he didn't look at the situation too closely his body was just used to it and his mind wasn't far behind.

The easy acceptance had terrified him more than anything.

His memories had gotten mixed up. He couldn't quite differentiate between what was real and what wasn't real and what had come from which reality.

He wondered when he'd stopped thinking of his reality as being 'real'.

Eventually though he stopped, stopped analysing.

Stopped looking for evidence of a different life and stopped looking for the device.

For the first time in a long time he was just living and letting himself be happy.

Naturally, that was when he found it.

He came across it with Radek when they were exploring one of the newly cleared parts of the city and he caught sight of it when Radek was going into spasms of delight over what looked like a ZPM recharging system.

Before he'd had the chance to actually consider what he was doing though he nudged it with his foot, firmly but gently, kicking it under a nearby desk and out of sight.

Then he joined Radek at the charger and firmly ignored it for the rest of the afternoon.

He'd stayed later than the Czech so he could have a look at it alone though.

The more he studied it though the more his previous hypotheses were being proved correct. If this device was working correctly then the one he'd been using was definitely broken.

And if the device was broken then that meant that, not only was there no way home, but the other conscious being transferred was almost certainly destroyed. He shivered slightly as he thought about his body and grieved for the woman who had, for all intents and purposes, been him.

And he thought about his life here.

Thought about Gaul and Abrams who he had had an argument with this morning over their completely ridiculous opinions regarding an Ancient device . A device he was uneasily beginning to remember that he'd encountered before in his own reality and hadn't remembered. He'd just had a feeling about it, like he had with so many other things since he'd arrived.

Perturbed by this realisation he wondered uneasily how many times he'd been presented with proof that he'd ignored.

He thought about Collins who'd gotten a call from Earth last week to say he was an uncle and had immediately gone home for a few weeks to see his sister and Peter who'd married one of the Athosians last week.

And he thought about more selfish things. Thought about there being no Doranda. Thought about never having been sent to Russia, it seemed he was a lot less abrasive to Sam Carter as a woman.

But Jeannie, second born and therefore not necessary once they'd had him, and Miko and his Carson and John and Radek and Teyla and… his Ford who was hooked on the enzyme and Ronon who had never smiled the way the man he'd met a few months ago had. Beaming at them as they exited the Stargate, an arm around his wife while she held their baby.

But it didn't matter. Because there was no way he could get home without destroying himself in the process and even if he could… She'd been destroyed which had left a body with no mind, there was every chance his body was months buried by now.

Shuddering at that particular avenue of thought he stopped thinking about what might happen if one of the people you were switching with was dead. It was possible, in fact that the Wraith had killed her but they'd just arrived in time to rescue him…

He pushed all thoughts like that aside though, speculation couldn't bring her back and if the Wraith hadn't killed her the journey had.

Slowly he started to dismantle the device, thinking 'off' as firmly as he knew how.

Absently a thought appeared of how this would mean that no one would be left in the same situation as him but he pushed it away pointedly. It was one thing not to examine his own motives but to try and put a self-sacrificing spin on it was another entirely. Besides he couldn't go back. There was no way he could fix a device in a reality he wasn't in.

John's head popped round the door and made him jump slightly.

"Hi, Radek said you were still here. You coming for something to eat or are you too swamped?"

The smile on John's face worked to mostly diminish the sick feeling in his stomach as he disconnected the crystal.

"I've just finished with this actually, I'd love to come for something to eat."

John nodded at it. "Is it dangerous?"

Rodney hesitated, looking at it for a moment. "Not now," he replied finally. "But before, yes. It was dangerous."

John looked angry. "How many times do I have to tell you not to take things apart when you don't know what they're gonna do? If there was a problem there was no one there to help. I know you can do it," he dropped his voice, forestalling Rodney's annoyed complaint. "I just don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

Rodney's shoulders slumped. He still wasn't completely sure what to do with statements like that, even now.

John shook his head. "Sorry, will it be okay there for now?"

Rodney looked at it, just a jumble of indistinguishable Ancient technology. "It'll be fine for now, I'll throw it the wrong way into an event horizon the next time we go on a mission." Carefully he picked up the pieces and places them in a side room that had already been examined and declared lacking of anything interesting. "Could you seal it in here for me?"

"Sure." John answered but Rodney hadn't needed him to say it, even before he'd finished the question it had been done. There was something nice about that.

As he left the lab with John for dinner he realised that the reason he hadn't been able to find it in the database was probably because any information on it was stored only on the data consoles in this room, just like the nanoviruses and most of the other Ancient prototypes.

The files would need to be removed. It would defeat the entire point of destroying it if someone got their hands on the plans and tried to build one without any idea of how dangerous it could be, after all. He'd back it up and save it in his own files in case they ever needed it.

Then John's arm slid round his waist and he knew, deep down, he'd never even tell them he had it.

Let alone use it.

Fin


End file.
